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PartyUtah.com Webauthor Cries Over Lost Tang · May 1, 05:20 PM

Bringing Bullshitters Together Since 1999

Just when things start looking their darkest, when updates seem miles apart and boredom is at its pinnacle: some poor dumbass at a related site feeds the dwindling flame of cynicism by opening their mouth and spewing forth ignorance. For those of you who haven’t been to it PartyUtah.com has been around far longer than even our little site. I highly reccomend visiting them for addresses and information when you’re planning on going out to the club. What I wouldn’t do, however; is let Daryl take pictures of you naked for his “magazine” err…”website” yeah, or whatever is more prestigious: yeah that one. Daryl Acumen, the creator of said website in a recent update claims to have deleted all references to Green Street (a popular nightclub at Trolley Square) from PartyUtah.com because he “was asked by the Senior Management of Green Street’s Corporate owners to pull the plug.” I don’t know about you ladies, but I dont even know Daryl and I already want to fuck him in his ass or mouth just because he’s so verbally associated with club ownership.

Daryl claims (or at least vaguely elicits to the idea) that the Director of Operations, after seeing shockingly lude pictures of drunken girls groping and dancing on PartyUtah.com, requested that he remove them from his site. Apparently, being soooo tight with with management as he is, Daryl succombed to the enormous pressure of being asked to do so! If someone were to ask you to take your tittilatingly lame photographs off of your site with no reprocussions whatsoever for non compliance YOU’D SURE AS HELL COMPLY. This is still pending his response, but I think Daryl just needs a hug and an invitation to join our support group: HASTWUB (Hypertext authors sabotaging themselves with uniform bullshit). We meet every tuesday night, if you’re not too busy holding the delicate balance of night club commerce together with your phone-book like powers of web reference, get a hold of me.

Quote:

“Green Street only has ONE photo on their main website of the dance-floor at night and its blurry. You cant even see any people in it…Keith and I are careful to identify ourselves upfront and honor all requests not to be photographed. We carry our credentials about us at all times and liberally distribute our business cards and personal email addresses to everyone in case somebody wants to be removed from the site. We always get permission from the General Manager before we begin our work and check in with both he and security before we enter the club.”

Nothing says “I’m a smegmasock cruising for some tang” like handing out business cards at the club. Daryl is liberally handing out business cards, and oh: they say “Administrator/Owner” on them which means he is no grunt, but the supreme captain and chief orchestrator of bullshit in question. Ladies, if you see this man: fuck him immediately.

Quote:

“This symbiotic relationship has worked out great for both Green Street and for PartyUtah.com. It was a happy arangement, until last week when the Senior Management of the Corporation that manages the Green Street franchise along with other restaurants in the Salt Lake area sat down for a meeting. At that meeting were the aforementioned General Manager, the Director of Operations, the Corporate Area Director, Corporate Controller, AND (fatefully) their Human Resources lady who has jurisdiction over internal employee sexual harassment claims and suits.

During that fateful meeting, the subject of the PartyUtah.com website was raised and the Senior Staff in attendance decided to visit our gallery.”

The correct answer is C

So how cliche would it be for me to weaken previous statements at this very moment by saying something gay like “Well thats not to say that all professional photographers and authors who troll clubs handing out business cards are fags”(?) Pretty fucking cliche. Who really profits: you and your business card editing website about bar hopping? Or Blue Hippo who just sold you a piece of shit computer? How about the company who sold you the domain name? Or the host who charges you a shitload for exceeding your bandwidth (thus everytime your site does well you lose money?). What the fuck do you get out of it besides a couple dozen solid google hits on the weekends? Not a god-damn thing. Hell, even the phone book (another free service) is making money from advertisements, are you? Somehow I dont think anyone gives a fuck whether or not Green St shows any smegma ingesting web author the proper love. This article will probably get me a dozen hits just by people searching for Green Street’s phone number (801)532-4200. That must mean that I am somehow affiliated with them now! I should check those facts with my staff (the bartender and security) how much to get in the door?

this gif looks neato, thus it becomes practical
If you dont feel like opening a phone book to the nightclubs section, you should definitely take a visit to PartyUtah.com. Or maybe just goto the nightclub without visiting this or any other retarded website. Just remember that by “Partying” we mean going to nightclubs and drinking, and by “Utah” we mean the small portion of Utah accessible by one smegma ingesting webauthor.

Daryl’s Defense

translation by Cybomantis
_{Daryl was kind enough to respond via myspace}

PartyUtah.com is a massive ad engine. 250,000 ad impressions per month across 7,000 visitors.
_{PartyUtah.com is a massive whore with a bottomless, pleasureless chasm where the vagina should be}

The engine is built on a club base. I go into the clubs, take pictures, hand out cards and fliers advertising the website, and offer free online advertising to the clubs in return. I then charge promoters for access to ad impressions generated by the traffic from club-goers (filling in the idle impressions with affiliate advertising from Commission Junction and Linkshare).
_{much like Slugmag and Cityweekly, most of my hits are from vain motherfuckers trying to see pics and comments about themselves and feel famous}

For Green Street, this is cool because they get free advertising (86,946 impressions at a CTR of .54% as of this morning), plus inclusion in my regular Google / Overture (Yahoo) paid search buys. For me it’s great because the user base creates ad inventory I can sell elsewhere.
_{Green Street actually does ME a huge favor by increasing traffic to my site. The way I word this it almost seems as if Green St is the only website that gets free ads, but its not. All this talk about inventory makes me seem like I have an actual product besides links to already existing sites}

On the strength of the Green Street relationsip, I’ve managed to convince Port O’ Call, The Hotel, and Lumpy’s to work more closely with PartyUtah.com. I’ve literally tripled the traffic volume of PartyUtah.com on the strength of the relationship.
_{Again, there is only a ‘relationship’ but nothing specific enough to qualify as a financial or even promotional agreement}

How do I make money from all this? Frankly, I don’t. My expenses are a tax write-off. The whole website is mainly a guinea pig for my day job as Senior Web Marketing Analyst for the largest web analytics firm in the world. I do advanced segmentation analysis and try out new techniques and technology on my site before trying those same techniques on my clients (like AOL, Sears, eBay, and Microsoft). There’s no substitute for real people and real data, no matter how small the test site is.
_{I am penguin shit. Have a business card}

This morning the General manager of Green Street called and asked me to remove all photographs and mention of Green Street from my website. I’m still allowed to go to Green Street of course (and they’ll still let me in for free) but I’m no longer allowed to carry a professional digital SLR and shoot potos of people I don’t know dancing and having fun. I could probably get away with a pocket point-and-shoot, but I can’t look like I’m there on business without risking being asked to leave.
_{I am a douche enchanted Peter Pan who gets in the club for free! I should be thrilled, but my ego wont allow it. This is more than most webauthors get: the standard ‘please get your stoner friend out of here before he hurts himself’ discount}

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