saltlakemusic
Frisbee Golf Courses in Salt Lake · Mar 29, 05:37 AM
May the Course Be With You
I’d like to retract what I said last time about putting hot dog juice on a frisbee to help a dog find it in the weeds. Apparently I say alot of stupid things like that and go “wow, its a miracle” when really the dog will find the frisbee 50% of the time with or without the clever hot dog juice trick. Somebody had a much better idea involving uranium and a geiger counter: you find your frisbee then five years later your dick shrivels up and turns green. But what a great short term business opportunity, pardon the stupid pun. Customers wont think “oh shit! that one summer with the uranium and the frisbees” they’ll have no idea. Okay enough, onto the actual writing: which I hope doesn’t hurt your eyes from being so crappy. This is what you might call a sports article, Frisbee Golf, it says. So lets talk about that sport, or some would call religion.
What do you think you know about Frisbee Golf? That a bunch of hippies go play it instead of looking for jobs, throwing frisbees and talking about Star Wars likes its some kind of doctorine? I play frisbee golf because it gives me that extra motivation when I have a good game. How am I supposed to get a job if I’m not motivated? Studies somewhere have shown that frisbee Golf makes you smarter, yeah maybe you should try it. Even the spice miners on Nimbus 9 played a similar game called Nar-bek. So sue me. The game’s technical term is actually “disc golf” and involves tossing a weighed down frisbee (a disc) into a cone shaped metal basket. Typical Frisbee Golf courses are layed out like smaller versions of traditional golf courses.
Frisbee Golf is actually physically different from traditional golf, the strategy is however: quite the same. As the player gets better at hitting the target they’re aiming for the scores tend to get better and better, causing the player to feel the course flow through their veins. Judge me by my size do you? Discs used in the game vary in weight, shape and flexibility and typically cost around 8-20 dollars each. As in traditional golf, toting several different frisbees for putting, driving mid range driving can be extremely useful. Particularly important are the long range driver and putter. I started out with a piece of shit mid range gremlin, it hurt my arm so fucking bad to try and drive with it and all I got was wabble wabble all the time. I should’ve gone with an Eagle or Valkerie and just putted with the driver. Half the time I just tried to roll my frisbee on the ground like a huge coin towards the hole, it was embarrassing to even exist! So if you absolutely must get just one disc, make it the driver.
Guess what, you need special frisbees for this game, try using a regular frisbee frisbee and it’ll be more like playing boomerang. If you really want to piss a bunch of people off go out to the dollar store and buy 20 or so Wham-O’s, passem out to the kids and visit the course for family home evening. This always cracks me up because eventually you know the little ones are gonna have to somehow huck it over the river. Say “bye-bye” frisbee, swimmy time night night. Yeah, so dont do that otherwise people will pretend they think you’re pretty good with a Wham-O, a grave insult. Which you might be, I really haven’t seen it. Some people take this frisbee golf game pretty seriously and they might sabotage your space cruiser for this sort of offense.
Everybody throws a little different, beginners are advised to concentrate their efforts on being gentle and accurate with the frisbee, instead of simply throwing hard. I started out trying to throw overhanded, like a discus. This was too difficult, I couldn’t even begin to control it, so I imitated my friends and threw sidearm for a few years, with my fingers gripping the frisbee from underneath. Even though they all shot distance sidearm, they continued putting discus-like. I was starting to get my score consistently into the 10 and unders, but hit a major stopping point. If a tree or obstacle blocked my shot on the right, I’d have to shoot ridiculously extra wide to get around it. So I started using my traditional, overarm shot on those particular few holes, this shaved several strokes off my score again. Eventually I learned to use my overarm shot to curve however I wanted it to, even more importantly: to move with no curve at all. Putting is tricky, often frustrating, the important thing is to be consistent. Concentrate on your stance and grip, every little twist of the body makes a huge difference, in order to isolate the discrepancies, you have to try and put the same exact way every time.
Creekside Park:
1650 East 4800 South
Salt Lake
Craig Myrick (-16) Best Score
I hear that a bunch of dirty hippies go out to this place and do drugs and play frisbee golf all day instead of applying at Sconecutter like they said they were, is this true? Damn you dirty hippies, damn you all to hell. This course is great for both beginners and advanced players alike. To my knowledge, its where the best frisbee golfers in Utah come to play. Do they all have to do it at the same time, and on Sunday? Cus they do. This place gets extremely packed on the weekends. Dog and sandal friendly, several marshy drinks, one or two riverside holes and lots of built-in smoking stations, Creekside is nothing but fun in the sun with some dung in your bum. The parks and rec people take excellent care of this popular course, alternating the holes at least every month or two.
Solitude Ski Resort:
Big Cottonwood Canyon
Avery Jenkins (-1) Best Score
This is definitely not a good course for beginners. The distances between each hole is insane (500+ ft), and you will lose your discs. Go outside, look East and try to find any little tiny white spots on the mountain, none? Then Solitude is finally open. Personally, I think Solitude kindof sucks for boarding because its just all flat with no trees. But all the little peaks and plateaus you never get to see when its covered in 50 feet of snow create this citadel you have to try and skip along the top of which with your frisbee. Even if youre not that good and you just want to see the course, its worth a trip. If you litter this place you are giving into the same fate as Obi Wan when he fell into the nest of Gundars.
Valley Park:
4914 South 2700 West
Taylorsville
Corey Sharp (-7) Best Score
Valley Park offers play to those of us on the west side of the Salt Lake Valley. The first hole is located just behind the Taylorsville library at the northern most parking lot entrance. This park has treated me well during the spring months, I especially enjoy the isolation provided by this lesser known course. While the holes are especially long and the terrain unusually flat and lacking obstacles, the massive distance of the course and sudden change from majestic green fairways to desolate veldt in the northern half is impressive. Overall this empty field of a course is alot of fun for amatuers like myself, or anyone who likes a short hike through the veldt. The wind will kill your game here more than anywhere else. Dont wear sandals and keep dogs on a leash. Not particularly smoker friendly.
Team Utah – Tournament and course info for the State of Utah.
Innova – Disc manufacturer
Valley Park – Old Saltlakemusic article
Did you know that by simply asking people to audition for your “magazine” you can get girls to touch your peepee? You can! (Results may vary)
Excerpt from the hot new zine SLiC: DJ Panama may not be be a household name for some lame ass people, but on the club scene he’s blowing up to be one of the best DJs in town. I would never write this “one of the best” kind of mind numbing crap and you know this. Don’t listen to this person when he tells you he’s me. Cheap “Joe” forgeries are tainting every corner of our precious, virgin internet. This one says his magazine “is the hottest magazine in Utah” whereas my tagline: “is a poor excuse for a magazine solely existing to confuse search bots.” SliC (the Black Pearl of electronic print in Utah) is so hot that it has its own Promo director (right of the mock Joe) who does the whole sensitive Morissey-listening-to-motherfucker thing even better than Josey himself, but needs a few more nights in Metro, maybe a finger in his ass the finish the sale.
SLiC’s Promotional Director seen above giving an old fashioned pregnancy test to Frosty, a two dimensional snowman, while being masturbated on by a hispanic man.
The similarities are incredible, the bullshit almost ambiguous. I know you cant believe it, but its true: these people are not us. The Josey mockery (aka “Nicky”) says “We’re also about partying our ass off. Every month we have a launch party. You can look forward to our Fashion Expo and Arts & Entertainment Expo. Bringing everyone in their respective industries under one roof” whereas josey says “I like Beth Orton and Portishead, I am quite homosexual.” People in Utah like to party down? Hooray. I bet they’ll even be there to give us the latest updates on whos hot on the local scene, haeeey. Theres like, no sites around here like that at all, no way. It was a good choice going with “hottest” instead of “crappiest without actually being crap from someone’s ass.” This particular zine has until June to come up with something, boy am I excited to see how hot it is! While keeping an open and objective opinion is always critical in any form of public philosophy, I don’t imagine I’ll have many nice things to say about it if and when this magazine “hits the shelves.”
Hot is, of course: only metaphoric. The magazine itself is electronic and therefore maintains constant temperature. One day it occurred to me HEY! We could print our whole article library and burn it as a PDF file, give it away for free. So how did Josey respond? “They’ll prolly never open it” and god damnit he was right, nobody clicks open on that acrobat lit shit, ever. You gotta use hypertext and self enclosed flash presentations, that PDF shit is for students. But they’re a “magazine” right, they know this stuff. So these guys (Mock Joe and Joseys from paragraph 6) are either learning the hard way, or completely full of shit: either of which is great fun to watch. I think you win some kind of prize if you ever manage to see the actual magazine. SLiC (an accronym for which there is no explanation) is supposedly available in print stock “everywhere” oh good, so why not right here on the website I took the time to visit? Or maybe you could give me an address. If you try and subscribe to it with a credit card you just hit a bunch of broken down links. The advertisement pitch (the obligatory “investors welcome!” page) lists vague descriptions of monthly rags hitting the shelf in January 2006, but the main page clearly states that the very first copy wont be available until June of 2006. Apparently this magazine is so hot that to see it for yourself would burn your eyes irrepairably. After all, electronic magazines dont just appear like webpages on the internet for people to read right? Dildos for everyone! All this talk about Fashion and Entertainment Expos is getting me all “hottest”, in the meantime – CLICK TO SEE THE “HOTTEST” “MAGAZINE” “IN” “UTAH”. If you want to find similar content just pick any other totally random site.
* * *