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Max Brooks' Zombie Threat Seminar · Jan 31, 11:19 PM
“Obey the law” Max Brooks told a sold out crowd Tuesday night at SLCC’s Grand Theater during his informative zombie-threat-awareness meeting. “Because the last place you want to be during the opening stages of a Zombie infestation” he says “is in a holding cell.” You think you’re doing society a favor, running through the streets with a machete covered in blood ready to frag free roaming zombies like they were whack-a-moles. Next thing you know, the cherry berrymen mistake you for a psycho killer, pick you up and handcuff you then plop you in a tiny room that starts filling up quickly with potential zombies. “Drunks” and “transients” picked up by police for misconduct, but you know better. You explain the situation rationally to the officers “Zombies? Hahaha Sure!” They respond. At this point: you’re already toast.
Zombies don’t think, they just kill-feast on humans indescriminately; one of the menacing side effects of a devastating virus called Solanum that only seems to thrive in humans. Antibiotics wont counteract Solanum because its not a bacteria, immunization is currently useless because even the smallest doses have proven fatal. The only known remedy for infection? Suicide, which is only partially effective. A Zombie will continue to consume and destroy until its brain is rendered completely inactive, therefore; remedial suicide taken place as such requires that all brain cells be completely destroyed to prevent the body from turning “undead.”
Brooks refutes the idea of previously dead corpses being reanimated by Solanum for 3 reasons:
- Zombies almost always ignore “necrotic flesh”
- Inactive bloodstream prevents brain introduction
- Expired brain cells are uresponsive to the virus
This is very good news for the living because it means zombie infestations are maintainable, unlike Michael Jackson’s Thriller interpretation which conveys zombies as long since buried b-boys digging their way out of their graves and onto the streets. If every decomposing body were to come to life at the same time, the dead would outnumber the living by an exponential margin. Luckily, this is not precisely the case.
The individual Zombie is nothing to fear, seriously. They are usually everyday kindof people like you and me, or the girl next door, or the kids at the rec center, or your grandma and grandpa. They have no superhuman powers, they can’t reason or plan, they don’t even remember things. They are, put very bluntly, a bunch of stupid, dead people that cant even die right. As the number of Zombies increases, so does the level of threat, but with a little prior organization, these fuckers dont stand a chance.
Why should you plan ahead in case of a Zombie attack? Because being a cold and calculative killing machine is the dream of every red blooded person in this whole damn country. One man’s zombie crisis is another man’s zombie deliverance, a passage into manhood, when we separate the men from the boys and find out who’s really worth a shit. Like you: think you can thrust a splitting moll into a relentless old woman zombie’s head without losing your lunch? Think you can stay cool under pressure while your “Goth” friends are wetting their pants and pulling their greenish purplish hair out? Chances are, if you’re reading this: you’re already too prissy to make it out of your neighborhood alive. You need all the help you can get, keep reading to learn the basics of zombie attack survival.
Wanna “fight” Zombies? Think again Yojimbo Shogunate.
On the left is a collectible Japanese Katana blade, the choice of the ancient Samurai warrior, an excellent choice for slaying the undead: but only if you know how to use it. If you actually held one and tried to use it, as opposed to watch your character use it in a video game, you’d realize that this is a very dangerous and difficult weapon to wield. Chances are, without proper training, you’d end up hurting yourself more than the zombies you’re attacking.
Brooks is constantly reminding his readers of the importance of practicality in the event of a zombie attack. The katana, while never needing to be reloaded or unjammed, is a cumbersome weapon at close range, and very difficult to manipulate against multiple targets, and hardly practical. While the inflicted zombie katana-wound may have been critical against a thinking, feeling target: the zombie feels no pain. Unless the blade penetrates the muscle and bone cleanly and accurately with every thrust and slice, which requires some amount of skill, the Zombie may be unresponsive, as if cut by a thin piece of paper.
Most importantly, on a practical note, these Japanese blades are typically designed for display, even the ones which developers label “battle ready.” Even the most expensive modern makes are unfit for killing tens or hundreds of zombies. Thats why my blade of choice is a camping machete: durable, easy to use with one hand or wielded in each hand, and short enough for use in tight quarters. Katana blades require training, be it even one lesson, Machetes move with natural ease and most anyone has used one at least once.
Abandoned vehicle…and for a good reason.
So with an infestation abroad, you decide it might be best to leave the city, or at least stay moving. Unless by some miracle you get the information quicker than everyone else in Mayberry, you’ll quickly discover the roads are completely gridlocked. If you aren’t careful you may just find yourself barracaded in a giant trail of assholes some of which may quickly turn into zombies themselves. The best way to avoid said catastrophe is to simplify your method of transportation.
Think about it: zombies aren’t athletic, they just sort of wander around until they outnumber and overwhelm their victims, which makes a bicycle extremely practical as opposed to just walking or running away. A bicycle beats a motored vehicle because it can go offroad easily, weave around large road obstacles, or be carried easily accross heavier terrain. Motor vehicles require fuel, which will have long been bogarted, syphoned, looted and burned during a zombie attack. With a bicycle and a machete, you’re always prepared to attack and move, and cant be trapped inside a small space by zombies like you could in a car, truck, train or bus.
Rambler home = Zombie cafeteria.
This ground level type of home is often equipped with a “detterent” security system. If something were to happen here, if zombies were to break in and run amock, the authorities would be notified: who by this time, if not already turned into zombies, are unlikely to be of any assistance. The security alarm going off would most likely attract more zombies, making this home the second to last place you want to be during a zombie attack.
The most dangerous part about fortifying yourself in this home would be its lack of loftiness. When was the last time you saw a zombie climbing its way through a second story window? Doesn’t happen. Thats why Brooks tells us that in such a situation, we should go to the highest level in the home and destroy any means for the zombies to follow. Getting stuck inside a house doesn’t have to be the end of the road, and shouldn’t be.
Remember: Zombies can somehow sense living flesh, they can wander around downstairs indefinitely even after you’ve blocked or blown up the staircase, and eventually you will need to come down for something or other.
“Zombies are like, part of the circle of life, man.”
Those dirty granolas may be on to something without even knowing it. When shit with Zombies goes down, do you think you’ll just stroll into Wal-Mart when you get hungry? Think you’ll just be able to pick up the phone and talk to someone about the situation? Think you’ll even be able to watch television? I thinks not. Thats why granolas may be the best suited individuals to survive a lengthy zombie infestation.
Tay-Tay, with all his boring tales of summers at Zions sleeping with the wild beasts and what not, will be sitting pretty up there under a starry sky, never even breaking a sweat. Meanwhile you’ll be hacking away at zombies in the crowded city trying to open your last 3 cans of Chili without a canopener. Thats because Tay-Tay can live off the land, he knows how to fish and hunt, he can even grow his own vegetables if he wants to.
If you can’t be like Tay-Tay, the Granola, at least be like Sunrise, the dirty hippie. She does all those same things Tay-Tay does, but she does it there in the suburbs of the city. She’s turned her upstairs guest room into a fucking hydorponics lab, her yard is surrounded by a tall, sound reducing and visually impairing vinyl fence connected by a gate built to keep out those cherry berrymen and snoopy DEA fuckers. She’ll outlive all her neighbors, and finally have that a society free of capitalists, chauvanists and rules she always wanted.
Max Brooks’ Zombie Survival Guide
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