saltlakemusic
American Idol - Tiffany Christensen (Clinton, UT) · Jan 26, 03:26 AM
“Its all going terribly wrong!” Simon tells Tiffany Christensucks.
American Idol is a popular but generally boring reality show on FOX in which aspiring singers showcase their talents in hopes of winning the approval of the show’s douchebag, falling star judges: Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, and Pharaoh Tutankhamun. The show’s host: Ryan Seacrest, while being the hardest working young person in hollywood, has the unprecedented mutant power of douchebagery, known for his psychic ability to make people change the station. I don’t usually watch this crap, but being from Utah, I can’t avoid being showered in it every time I turn on the television, open a newspaper or browse online.
Carmen Rasmussen, a Utah native, shocked all you obsessing wierdos in 2003 when she was voted into the final 12 contestants and moved onto finals in LA, where she was dropped like she was hot (and she was too). Jon Peter Lewis, a student at BYU Idaho, somehow made his way as a contestant in 2004 and did fairly well considering he hadn’t played Magic the Gathering or watched his self help tapes since competition began.
This season (the fifth one), Denver Colorado hosted the 2nd episode of American Idol auditions. This is where we meet contestant #35604, Tiffany Christensen, 25, representing good ol’ Clinton Utah, stumbling smashedly into her position in front of the judges. When asked why she came, responded “Ah! Ah! Ah! I’m here for the party! I ain’t leaving till they throw me out!” (For those of you who are unfamiliar, “Here for the Party” is a song by Gretchin Wilson). Tiffany quite obviously doesn’t need a party, but perhaps one more drink couldn’t hurt. She looks like Utah, moves like a Magna hooker and acts like a skank. Then she proceeds to sing (and dance) the pukey ookey dance, seducing me into changing the station. Through sheer patriotic pity I stay my hand. “She’s from Utah” I tell myself “Lets see what happens.” The horrific gaze on Simon’s petrified face assured me that Tiffany would soon be scarred for life, and I wasn’t mistaken. After being told quite nicely by the judges how stupid and retarded she was, Tiffany stumbled out the way she came, bitching about the distance she drove to be on the show.
Tiffany covered almost 600 miles, traveling over 8 hours in each direction for her national television debut…oops I mean humiliation. The average price being 2 dollars and 5 cents per gallon, the average vehicle getting 20 miles to the gallon; Tiffany’s vehicle (that is assuming that the vehicle isn’t hampered by redneck friends and family) consumed over 60 gallons of gas during the round trip pilgrimage. Thats about $125 dollars in gas Tiffany had to pay to make me almost puke. Clinton must be real proud to produce pop stars like these. Then again, Clinton cant be the great sanctuary we’d pictured if Tiffany wanted so badly to beeline it into Simon’s lair and humiliate herself in front of millions and millions of people. (Author hangs head in shame)
For all this and more I’ve decided to send Tiffany a check for 125 dollars to cover her gas money, and an additional check for 50 dollars in exchange for never seeing her stupid, skanky ass in daisy dukes as long as I live. In so doing I hope to spare the town Clinton from the menace of Tiffany’s skank-ass skanky-ass skank-assness ass. No need to thank me good citizens, lets just hope we’ve seen the last of it, and never speak of it again.
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