saltlakemusic
The Brothers Grimm -or- The Ambiguously Gay Duo · Jun 4, 02:26 AM
Here’s one of those movies you really know you shouldn’t have seen but did and now you’re wondering what happened to the good old days when bad movies were all about the action figures and coffee mugs. If there can be a movie about Hansel and Gretel, the Gingerbread Man and Little Red Riding Hood starring Matt “Douchebag” Damon and Heath “The Queef” Ledger, surely we can do something really, really gay with just about any cherished piece of literature lying around. I daresay I’d have a better time watching “W-2: The Movie” than this piece of smegma called “The Brothers Grimm.”
Terry Gilliam directed 12 Monkeys and Time Bandits, produced Brazil and Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and now The Brothers Grimm, for all that we’re greatful. I’ve no doubt that all those movies were indeed ahead of their time, and don’t dismiss the possibility that someday we all might feel the same way about The Brothers Grimm, but lets live in the here and now shall we? It sucked so bad I wanted to pour hot magma in my urethra. There are so many reasons why it sucked, but let’s go over the two major problems in this movie right away. 1) Matt Damon and 2) Heath Ledger.
These two brothers: Jake and Will Grimm (Matt Damon, Heath Ledger) start out as some kind of medieval ghostbusters, who of course are frauds (which is appropriate). The chemistry built between the two brothers is pathetic and vaguely spawns from quick and poorly timed 30 second “Frodo and Sam” moments. Matt Damon’s Character is the “I’m the down to earth! Where’s the money? Cmon guys lets get some poontang and not have any feelings” guy. While Heath Ledger’s character is the “I’m into fairy tales- Weeeee. I’m awkward but sensitive! Chicks might someday like that I read fairy tales alot and wear glasses and can read, really I can! See I’m looking at a big book all by myself and talking which makes me smart – Weeeeeee” kindof guy.
Every time these hapless and hopelessly boring characters encounter some new ghost or phenomenon Matt Damon goes “Wow, lets not care about the people! Lets just not have any feelings because, I… I’m Matt Damon and somewhere near the end of the movie my character will learn something about…about feelings but not right now, no way, NO! ARGH.” Then of course Heath Ledger goes “Hey ‘brother’ lets solve the mystery of the gay fairy tale and maybe we can make something of ourselves and be passionate, chicks like guys who are passionate about stupid fairy tales.” I can’t express how lame the chemistry really is between these two brothers.
Next the brothers get sent into some stupid forest by the French soldier played by Peter Stormare (remember the guy with the cheap accents who plays in every damn movie that comes out: Fargo, Minority Report, The Big Lebowski, Constantine, Windtalkers?) and to do this they need a guide because the trees in this forest have been eating people. This is about as cool as the movie gets when the trees try to eat Matt Damon and his pals, so enjoy it because shortly afterwards it’s more of that “Let’s not have any feelings” and “Lets read about fairy tales” talk again mingled in with an hour or so of ‘scary’ child abductions by the big bad wolf (that’s not a joke either).
The guide is some hot british chick who spouts off her own version of “Let’s not have any feelings, but at the same time lets solve the riddle of the gay fairy tale” so both the brothers Grimm get a huge boner and try to get with her. This is all very nice and cute but the fact is that this chick is obviously a model and can’t do so much as stand up straight without making it look difficult. The viewer is expected to buy into her whole fairy tale dominatrix thing “I’m tough and I’m on a horse, see how tough I am? See this prop? It’s a sword….oh owy! It’s really heavy. Let’s go into the forest yay!” This chick is just smokin hot, that’s all she’s good for.
So yadayada they find the evil Queen and blah blah blah something about a magic kiss, whatever, the end. This movie sucks so bad it should be called “Terry Gilliam’s Sucky, Sucky Stupid Suckfest of Baby’s Shit-Poo.” There are very few redeeming features to be found, and these certainly don’t even remotely begin to counterract the onslaught of suckiness that was The Brothers Grimm.
The movie is disturbingly violent. At one point a kitten is kicked into a swirling fan blade and guts spray everywhere, it was cool. Liking to entertain the idea that the movie was geared towards children, I can’t help but overlook the just numerous twisted, evil scenes: A man gets sucked into a tree as if through a straw, a little boy loses his eyeballs, nose and mouth in a pile of black goo, then the part where spoiler Matt Damon dies by multiple stab wounds. That part was way cool. Okay it was only one stab wound but it would’ve been much better my way.end spolier In this sense the movie is reminiscent of a Japanese cartoon, a very lame and boring japanese-under-british-rule cartoon at best.
Besides a few tenderly cheap special effects in bizzarre settings and some skewed references to children’s fairy tales, this movie offers nothing. The characters suck ass, the acting is piss-puke poor, the story is uninvested, the accents are inconsistent. But it most certainly is different than any movie I’ve every seen in my life. Terry Gilliam has shown true brilliance in the past, perhaps this film will grow on me. Or perhaps it will always suck ass like it does right now.
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