saltlakemusic
Epic Movie Insanitarium · Aug 11, 12:28 AM
What’s all this about Brad Pitt and Vaginalina Jolie having spy kids? Is Tom really in love with Joey from Dawson’s Creek or does he really want into Brad’s Pit? Is Jacko purposely puking up his corn Chex? Does Geraldo eat markers to get high? Ah, but who cares? I’m interested in the War in Iraq, not so much about the War of the Worlds, not to say I’m an absolute Scrooge. Hey Speaking of wars, have you seen this little science fiction film called Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith? Sure, it could’ve done without a few scenes, particularly the ones with people talking, but in the end you’ll swear that Darth Vader and Frankenstein were the same actor! Did you know that Chewbacca used to roll with Yoda, and that Jimmy Smitts used to roll with Dennis Franz? All true. Then of course you’ll want to go home and debate with your friends about epics and trilogies, and Star Wars is definitely one of the best. This 12 hour, 6 video collection, from Jar Jar to Wicket is tighter than Lindsay Lohan’s vagina. No epic debate is complete without mention of that timeless Tolkien classic remake: the Lord of the Rings. While being unsettlingly platonic, the medieval battles are tits, the hobbits are loveable and earthy little drunks, and damn this trilogy is a long one, almost 12 hours in the extended version. People like to criticize the Matrix trilogy, not me. I like putting the movie on mute and listening muvically to the beautiful, acoustical sounds of Sepultura while sucking the nitrous out of whip cream cans watching the pretty moving pictures. This trilogy, at a mere 7 and a half hours from start to finish, will seem a lot longer as you watch it. Did you know that Larry Fishburn used to roll with Peewee Herman? Weird. Then there’s that Tom Clancy Series: The Hunt for Red October, Patriot Games and Clear and Present Danger (we don’t count that nasty stint with Ben Affleck: The Sum of all Fears). This lesser known trilogy chronicles the adventures of US government intelligence analyst Jack Ryan as he helps Uncle Sam fight communists, drug cartels, terrorists, border-hoppers and dirty hippies. Lasting 8 hours in all, this series will hit you with conspiracy after conspiracy after conspiracy. Conspiracy! Did you know that Darth Vader was the Deputy Director of the CIA? It wouldn’t be fair to at least mention the golden gloves of so-called movie series like the Godfather, James Bond 007, Batman, Critters, Scream, Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, *, Best of the Best, Lethal Weapon, Star Trek, the Godfather, Robocop, oh so many. Did I mention the Godfather? If there’s anything Hollywood likes more than security of cheap, dependable remakes it has to be cheap, dependable epics.
*since Lonesome Dove is technically considered a made for television movie it should be classified as such- tight as hell yo.
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